Diario de momzonroof

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08 abril 2014

Yesterday was a blur... just sugar, sugar, sugar, and then top it all off with BIRTHDAY FRIGGIN CAKE. I didn't record anything, including my NON-EXERCISE, and I'd rather just forget the whole debacle. Except for my precious daughter's birthday, of course. The sweetest most gentle most appreciative most level-headed nineteen year old person I've ever met. I want to be HER when I grow up.

With all the associated stress of trying to get everyone together in this house for 10 minutes to wish someone a happy birthday, having to beg and plead for weeks for everyone's schedules... and the sensitive, fragile nature of my two oldest daughters' relationship, mending, mending... it's so stressful having them both home at the same time... mending... mending.. praying... my husband finally gets home at 7:30 and says he's gonna go out behind the shed, IN THE RAIN, and pack a few bags of junk for the junkyard, while we're waiting for oldest daughter to finally get home!! We're all there with DINNER ON THE TABLE, and he can't spend 20 minutes eating and talking with the 3 of his kids that are there?! I said to him, um, let's eat dinner together, it's Franki's birthday dinner, NOOOOOOO, he has to keep coming at me with his stupid pack-filthy-bags-of-crap-in-the- rain-for-twenty-lousy-minutes idea, he must've said it 6 more times, until I was vibrating with squelched rage, trying to keep it light for the kids and the birthday... That garbage has been behind the shed for literally 12 years or 14 years!

And then he thought it would be funny to take a balloon down off the ceiling and torment my dog with it. She's deathly, pitifully afraid of balloons. It's just cruel. Some things are funny and some things are just cruel. And he can't just do something one time, he has to keep agitating.

I sent him a long text this morning, he's at work. He called and we talked. I'm so tired of him being the biggest, most attention-starved CHILD in the house. YOu know what they say about the thing that attracted you to the person in the first place, that it will turn into the thing you hate most? It's true.

Vent over, I feel lighter. Gonna do better today.

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06 abril 2014

Will be weighing in later this morning. Awake at 3am, booooooo!!! Sleeping with this dog doesn't help. even though it's not her fault, we just sorta roll all over each other, she's always up on my pillow, curled into my arm, smushing my shoulder, I love cuddling so much, she reminds me of my old Grover dog... always a little warm body with velvety little head under my chin...she's replaced the kids too, I think I always had a little kid there on my shoulder, snuggled in, kicking, rolling, waking, sleeping... I have to protect my sleep better, make it a priority.
I've been trying to brush my teeth at 7pm and then no more grazing after that. So far it works out about every other day. seem to be alternating good sugar day,bad sugar day,good sugar day... I just want better habits for living, don't want to be a Nazi with myself and nutrition, want to be able to enjoy my life without berating myself constantly. balance in all things. but not Nazi regimented balance, more like James Taylor Carol King balance. mellow...

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06 abril 2014

Finally budged the scales a little, which made me feel like friggin' king o the world!!! Hubs and I went to the gym this morning, he runs so hard, he worked out twice as long as I did, but then he feels like crap afterwards, lightheaded.. I can't tell him anything though, even the doctor told him to cool it with the treadmill.

Planting tulips today, got a bunch in pots already started, excited!!! Spring has finally sprung, it's gorgeous out!

Peso:	Disminuído hasta ahora:	Aún para ir:	Dieta seguida:
53,8 kg	0,7 kg	2,9 kg	Bien

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04 abril 2014

Feels very strange not to weigh myself two and three (or eight) times a day... I'm only weighing once this week, on Sunday.. I see the scale staring up at me every morning, taunting me.. My husband has at times threatened to throw the scales in the garbage, having 3 teen daughters in the house in the past, he would get so irate if he thought someone was fixating on their weight. I've always loved that about him, protective, sensitive.. The times that I've heard my girls voice those body dysmorphic thoughts... or I thought one of them was throwing up after eating, terrifying, I was hyper-alert, watching, listening.. do not want them going down that road, it's a hard hard road to travel. Trying to find balance, trying not to fixate, healthy and balanced and happy, caring for myself and family, with joy and with ease, right..That's the loving kindness meditation, haven't done that one in a while, should revisit...

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04 abril 2014

Handled the sugar better yesterday, oh sugar, love of my life, bane of my existence.. Was nicer to my husband this morning as he left for work, poured his coffee, packed his lunch, enquired about his earache.. I've been so grumpy with him for the past month, I think mostly because he dropped the weight so fast, just running on the treadmill! Like it was easy for him! not fair! petty of me, I know, I know, I KNOW this. But I have been working so hard for 10 weeks, and ZERO movement on the scale?! Seriously??? stooopid sugar. Have had really disordered thoughts about just NOT eating, restriction. But I haven't followed it, I continue to nourish my body, it's been a good, healthy body, it deserves nutrition.. working through body dysmorphic thoughts, working through disordered thinking.. be grateful for this body that moves and runs and lifts and creates and cares for my kids, my husband, mom and dad.. focus on continued health, strength, stamina, and most of all, FUN!! enjoy healthy foods, ohmygosh, some apples smell so good, it's time to prune the apple tree and get it ready for the best harvest EVER, I want beautiful apples this year that would make my grandpa proud! It was the best feeling last fall, going out in the morning to pick apples for the kids' lunches, using Pap's basket picker, pulling down apples and leaves, filling my sweatshirt with so many gorgeous fruits... The crocus are up now too, greeting me every morning when I go out to feed the horse, tiny tiny white, yellow, purple... Walmart's selling tulips already started in pots, gotta get about 30 of 'em.. get my hands back in the dirt, get out of my head..

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