Hello all, how is your day? I am enjoying relaxing for a change! I have been helping my church group get everything ready for vacation bible school which is comimg up in a few days, and I am so worn out, not so much from the physical work but the stress from trying to keep Kaelyn under control and safe and happy while I am trying to build and paint and hang decorations. Hopefully we are done decorating! I am doing well with intuitive eating. It is a scary venture but I firmly belive in it. I am more aware of how much of my life has been revolving around food. I wake up and wonder what has the least amount of caloires. Should I eat protein or cereal? Oh not an egg, too much fat. How about an egg white. Not filling enough. A bagel? too many calories. I have to meet someone for lunch. Instant stress. Should I eat before I go? Should I eat a salad? Should I eat whatever I want then work out for an hour or two and starve the rest of the day? This all must end. I think in order to speed the process of getting rid of diet mentality, I am going to stop logging my food, scary as it is. If I don't stop running for a pen or the computer every time I eat I will never be free. Besides I have been doing it so long it's not like I don't know how many calories are in everything anyway. I can't stop the mental calorie estimater even though I wish I could. I've had about 650 calories so far today. Right off the top of my head. I didn't weigh this morning either. I will probably have a hard time staying off it long term though as I am still nervous about gaining weight. I will try to only weigh once a week. Small steps, small steps. I don't expect to recover all at once. I just want to try and do my best to relax around food and get into the routine of focusing on the hunger scale rather than the calories or even nutrition content. I have already noticed it doesn't take as much to be satisfied as I usually eat, when I truly eat what I want and wait until I am really hungry. The trick is eating when you are really hungry. If I eat before I am really hungry, I don't feel satisfied, because there was no hunger to begin with, therefore no satiety signals to stop. I can still choose to eat when I am not hungry, as long as I do so with full awareness, and eat a small amount in light of the fact that I do not really need the food. If I put eating only when hungry on a pedastal and make that my new "LAW" it is no different from dieting. I am working on breaking out of eating for emotional reasons, but I accept the fact that it is ok to sometimes eat for other reasons, as long as I am not doing it mindlessly, and as long as I take the time to acknowledge what I am really feeling, and try to remedy the root cause of the craving. By giving myself permission, I will avoid more feelings of deprivation. I don't want this to be a no- diet DIET. I just want to be normal! Even if I don't lose another ounce. In fact as long as I don't gain more than 5 pounds from where I am, I will be ok with that. My hope is to be able to maintain 120 with intuitive eating. I truly don't care anymore to be a 115 waif. Those size 2 jeans can kiss my booty. I should go buy the exact pair in a size 5 and be done with it! I am not fat, I could be in better shape, but I am well within a healthy range and not completely embarassed in a swimsuit. Perfection is not only unattainable but undesirable. I have other things to work on in my life that acheiving bodily perfection. That being said, I have a long road ahead of me, and I may never truly ARRIVE to a destination. I want to not only be a normal eater, but a happier person, that takes joy in everyday little things. Obsessiveness has had ahold of me for too many years. With God's help, I belive I can end this misery and find peace about my body and about my life.
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see I knew ya'll would abandon me if i quit dieting..
09 jul. 08 por el miembro: Lotus
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09 jul. 08 por el miembro: Lotus
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Sounds like you stayed very busy getting ready fo bible school. I remember those days. I think IE is going to work great for you and will be a nice solid lifestyle to teach your daughter. Natural is always the way to go.
09 jul. 08 por el miembro: juanab
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have you commented my journal yet??? hmm... j/k! lol
um.. i really like that you are at peace w/ 120. really. I know I made it to my goal so easy that I said what the heck, 10 pounds more would be perfect. BUT i really don't think I am going to get there. I really need to work at it if I am or make peace w/ where I am at. I don't know how to do either yet. I haven't been recoding cals cuz I have absolute NO time for it. BUT I know it hasn't helped me at all... yet I am not so good at it as you are! You will succeed in that dept!! Glad to hear your faith is staying strong and even giving time to helping out. God will get us through this time. He has already led us to eachother... :D
09 jul. 08 por el miembro: cindyshine
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oh, I'm just joking cindy..Idk why I I'm so insecure I feel like I need other's approval! Pathetic. ANd you have a point there..I haven't checked up on ya'll either.. I'll do better though, I just haven't been on here much today. Maybe I'm afraid I'll be tempted to record everything to see how many calories I had today. But the sad thing is I already know! Thanks for all the encouragement, I do appereciate all of you and never would have made it this far without you!
09 jul. 08 por el miembro: Lotus
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My husband made me so mad a minute ago. I was wastching this hilarius gal on U-Tube, Joy Nash, and she was talking about fat prejudice and how people on the street or otherwise read moral weakness into excess weight, and she had some very valid points. Well anyway, after standing there watching the video with me he said" So are you going to try and get all fat now? It seems like you've gone from one extreme to another." As if watching a video of someone that is larger than me is somehow going to infitrate my mind and add pounds. It just really pisses me off. He always says he doesn't care how much I weigh. Guess what? That just sows me his true colors. Alos if he really knew me at all he would know that if I gain more than 5 pounds, if I feel my pants are getting tight, I am not just going to keep stuffing until I gain 20 or more.Ridiculous. I may be reading too much into his comment, but I wish he would think before he speaks. Do I or do I not have self esteem issues? Do I or do I not worry if I am "thin enough" all the time? He seemed supportive when I told him I was quitting dieting, now he acts worried I am going to gain a lot? I have been eating between 1800-2600 calories all month and haven't went above 125. By eating when I am hungry I have been eating less and lost 3 pounds in one week(mostly water of course)and it has been holding steady. I have never been obese, even at my heaviest. Why in the world would he think that because I watch a video of a larger woman defending herself against the diet industry, that I WANT to get fat??? OF COURSE I DONT!! But do I need to lose any more? NO! ANd the last time I WAS 115 Brandon said I was too skinny! I could just strangle him. He swears he didn't mean to say he was afrain I would get fat becaue I quit dieting, but I think we all can see though that..infuriating. I thought he would be my biggest supporter as he is always rolling his ewyes at my many diet scemes and trrying to get me to cheat "just this once". Well I am going to eat what I want no, WHEN I AM HUNGRY. Like a normal person!!! God what's so hard to understand. I should go jump on his head and yell at him for pissing me off so much. As if I need any more insecuruty and fear of gaining. YES I am afraid of gaining weight. But I am not going to get huge overnight! I am not overweight now! I can tell by how my clothes fit if I am gaining and you can bet I will not let myself gain much. RRRR! I need to scream right now I'm so frustrated at him.
09 jul. 08 por el miembro: Lotus
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09 jul. 08 por el miembro: Lotus
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oh man. I mean woman! what a butthead! He, men just don't have a clue what to say! Except for the men on here, they are nice. Well they are writing so they usually think twice. Brandon hasn't seen the "other" extreme. You were never that heavy! He probably doesn't really get this diet thing and just agrees like most good huband would! lol don't let that statement bother you! just throw something at him! :D
09 jul. 08 por el miembro: cindyshine
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oi i have to check her out too!
09 jul. 08 por el miembro: cindyshine
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i like her, good video, the fat rant... i only saw that one. thx.
10 jul. 08 por el miembro: cindyshine
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Its funny you mention Joy Nash and her fat rant video.. I just watched this a couple days ago, and you know.. I LOVED IT... but it didn't make me say "hmm, she's happy being fat, why can't I be.. maybe I won't lose weight"... but I love the part of the video where the guy says "You pregnant?" and she says "No, but.. the night is young" LOL!! Men don't get it. My ex once threw my food addiction in my face when I confronted him on his drug problem. He said he didn't see a difference, because he may OD and kill himself, but I may eat myself to death. I wanted to beat him in the head until he understood... but alas, most men never will get it.
10 jul. 08 por el miembro: Leah22
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Hey girl!! Men are so stupid with the things they say.
Try to blow it off!! You're beginning the road to a better place. Hopefully one day I can join you there. I'm just not quite ready. I really think you should read the book I just finished. I mention it in myjournal a couple of day's ago. (I can't remember the author right now) I need my morning coffee!! lol!! Like I said before I'll always support you dieting or not dieting!!
10 jul. 08 por el miembro: Keri15
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